~Can i do it?~

December,4,2011
sunday
Mood:Lost, Faithful

Dear,Journal

             Today was ok i dint cry as much as usual i went to church this morning with the kids and just had a good time with them even knowing it would tear me apart again when i had to take them back to thier dads. This not haveing custady thing it really sucks. All i ask for for christmas is my kids back thats all i want. anyhow went to church this morning and had fun then took the kids grocery shopping with me which was fun i havnt been able to do that in a long time since the 4th is my shopping day and i dont usually have the kids cause its not usually a weekend. Anyhow it was nice to spoil them a little and have them help me pick out lunch stuff for the weekends. Then we went to the nabors son keegens birthday party and the kids had fun its so nice to watch them laugh and have fun. But time sped by and before i knew it it was time to take the kids back to thier fathers :'-( so i did and then had my step-dad drop me off at church for counseling. I think we had a pretty good session except i had to sighn a release form for them to get my info from oaklawn. I'm so afraid i dont want them knowing the real me but i also have to realize that they are my family. And they will be here for me. But i cant help listening to that little part of me that says they will run away just like everyone does when they find out how crazy u are. Thier gonna know everything from the abuse i went through as a kid to the voices i used to hear. How can they not be scared of that? not to mention the times ive felt suicidal and homicidal! God what have i done? Well i guese only time will tell. Anyhow the vid up top i found on youtube and i just see myself in this kid and it made me cry but i had to share it anyhow gotta be up at 4:30am for work tommarow so im heading to bed night all and God bless.

P.s ill keep writeing

~I'm so sorry i cant be fucking perfect for u!~

December,2nd,2011
Friday
Mood: not good enough

Dear,journal

      I had a bad morning this morning i woke up in a crabby mood. But then i went and checked my mail and found two letters one from the salvation army and another from Eber+Wein publishing.  The first one said that my family had been adopted for christmas. Which means that we will have a better christmas then ever. So i got excited and ran to my moms and showed her she was happy for me. And we were talking about going up and picking up our presents and stuff and then i ran home and opened the 2nd one it said out of thousands they only picked 15 peaple to be in a book called: Best poets of 2011.  i had ,made the finals from the last poetry contest i had entered but i never thought i was this good.
      Well that happy feeling dint last long now i just want to cry. My step-dad woke up a little bit ago and i told him about it. and he pretty much said it was all trash :'-( he told me the poetry thing was a bunch of B.S and that im wasting my money. And that nobody else will see the book but me. Its doesnt make me an author. So im done i give up im not writeing any more whats the point for years i have tried to make my parents happy and i never do anything right so i give up. Screw my writeing i probably aint even any good he is probably right its probably bogus. And who cares about stupid christmas presents?! Who cares about anything anymore?!

~Is it me?~

December,1st,2011
thurseday
Mood: Scared, confused



Dear,journal

        I went to church yesterday morning had a really good time and then slept most of the day i havnt been sleeping to well lately. Anyhow i went to church last night and i took tyson with me. He asked me out and u know how i am with the word no. so ya im stuck with him entell he breaks up with me. Anyhow like i was saying i went to church with him last night trying to make him keep up with me so i could say hi to my friends and i could have sworn i got some dirty looks from a few peaple who will remain nameless. but what did i do? were they really looking at me? i think so cause when i tryed to talk to them after service they pretty much avoided me. God i screw up everything!!! I dont want to lose my church family they are everything to me besides God and my kids. Is it just me? is there something about me that just naturally pisses peaple off? I dont understand how God can let me be here when ii ruin everything. Why cant he just answer my prayers and take me in my sleep? Im useless anyhow! What the Hell's the point?! Ugh!!! well headed off to another crappy day without my kids not to mention no church which might be a good thing after last night who knows im probably fricken over reacting. But whatever bye.

~sometimes all u can do is hope someone hears~

Tuesday
novemeber,29th,2011
Mood: confused, scared, lonely

Dear, journal

     Its been a while since i wrote in here and i forgot how much it helped entell i just went and read all my earlier entrys. I cryed to my own writeing which is bad but i could see how much i opened up there that i never really have to a person. kinda glad nobody can read this journal without the link. I dont know if i could really say im doing better but im trying i have my ups and my downs and God has really been a big part in my life lately. I go to church every sunday and wendsday so it helps it makes it so im not alone. I also have been doing this counsling thing at the church every sunday night. Paster Janet set it up at the church its called supernatural sunday u can do a bunch of different things like biblical counsling, dream interpretation and other stuff thats really cool. Ive been praying though that i can truly open up to these peaple. Ya i have told them about some of my past some of the bad things i have done but not so much the things that made me the way i am today. The way even at church i have a hard time being around men without flinching. (i swear i am never gonna find a good man) i did meet this guy Tyson we have been dateing for about the past month and i havnt really told anyone about him. He reminds me alot of my ex husband with the roughness and such but im used to it. Its normal for me. U know whats wierd and kinda laughable is i flinch when a guy tries to give me a hug or lay thier hands on me to pray but i dont when they hit me. God ok im just gonna shut up about that cause even i think i sound like a total moron there.
        Anyhow i still havnt gotten my kids back and its still hard it hasnt seemed to get any easier expeciolly with holiday season here i dint even get to call my kids on thanksgiveing wich isnt fair i should have had them on thanksgiveing because he had them every single holiday last year. UGH! What if he jipps me out of chrictmas to? I honestly dont think i can handle another Christmas without seeing my little angels faces. and that just makes nobody want me around because im all mopey and depressed and ruin thier holiday spirit.. Thats why i like my moms friend rose in a way like we went there for thanksgiveing and of course i was depressed i mean it wasnt the 2nd year in a row i dint get my kids she noticed and she offered me some tequila to loosen me up and her husband kept offereing me long island ice teas (those are yummy). I guese thats a bad thing to though when u have to resort to getting drunk on the holidays just so u dont bring others down. on the up side i am a funny drunk lol. i know cause my mom likes to vidio tape me when im drunk its kinda embarressing. Anyhow im out for now.  just wish life would get better. But i am thankfull for what i do have i just wish sometimes God would take me home.  I guese in a way thats why i drink and smoke i guese im hopeing someday ill have to much and i wont have to wake up to another morning without my kids. :(


p.s. Me and ian broke up again to if u dint notice

~How do i go on?~

September,6th,2011
tuesday
Mood: depressed

Dear,journal


        I just wanna cry. I want to end all this suffering and die. I really dont know what to do every time i think im ok i go back down further and i cant pull myself back up anymore. I just wish for once when i say that im fine someone will look at me and say "No your not! Whats wrong?" and never give up entell i tell the truth. But they wont so to everyone im the girl thats just crazy and abnormal nothing else wrong with that. Nobody sees the girl dieing emotionally right in front of there eyes. I just want to scream "somebody see me! See the real me!" but i cant i cant get anymore wierd looks. Everyones already leary of  me thinking im gonna snap and kill someone or something when really they have nothing to worry about cause the only person i truly want dead is me. I know thats wrong to say but its how i feel.
        my tooth hurts my stomach aches i feel sick everyday and i know most that is because of the depression. Depression truly does hurt not just emotionally but also physsically i dont think anyone realizes that entell they go through it. I cant stand seeing my nutty theripist i told my caseworker im not seeing her anymore and so far they havnt assighned me to a new one its no wonder ive been through 3 in the last 6 months and they probably think im beyond help thats probably why they want to put me away so nobody has to worry about me. I really dont know what to do i told my paster what was wrong with me what i was "diagnosed" with and just the look its the same look everyone gives me i couldnt tell her how i truly felt. With just what i told her i felt like i was burdening her like i do everyone else. Why cant this be easy? Why cant i find on person that it wouldnt burden to hear my troubles? i dont know i just want to go home and cry. Goodbye.

~Life isnt perfect~

September,1st,2011  (my son tylers birthday)
thursday
Mood: sick



Dear,journal


I feel like throwing up right now have all morning idk why but im really sick to my stomach. Wishing in a way i had the kids cause its my son tylers birthday today he is 2 years old. But in a way im glad i dont cause i feel really crappy. I just hope he knows that im sending my love to him today. Happy birthday baby. :'( i just want to hold him and be able to say that but i know i cant and it makes these days without them even worse.

~im a fighter because of her~

August,30th,2011
Tuesday
Mood: im ok

Dear,journal

    I thought today would be like really hard cause the kids went back and i was sopposed to meet that sigusting old geezer. But its not ok ya the kids did go back and thats kinda depressing and i feel like my step dad is always on my case and my sister said she felt the same way so i guese im not so alone. But it gives me time to plan my sons b-day party for saturday were gonna go to ryans and it makes me happy that even though i may not get to be there on his actual b-day that at least im setting aside a day for it and throwing him a little party. And as for the sugar daddy i dint even go meet him i kinda ditched him i just couldnt do it it was to gross.
     But im still confused ive been still talking to my ex fiance ian and i guese were like back together he wants to start where we left off and i honestly dont know if i could do that but i do still love him and maybe thats enough to make this work i really dont know all i can do is try. Its good to be able to talk to my mom about this stuff even if she gets mad at me sometimes. But like tonight i told her that i did still love him and i can see my future with him and she said all i can do is try it if it doesnt work then at least i know i tryed right? And it felt good i dont get to sit down and talk to her very often and it felt good to be able to do so. I love my mom no matter how much we fight she is always the one i want there when i need someone to talk to she is always the one i want to hold me. Nobody can replace her. Nobody could even try. As much as i love my aunt and she is like another mother figure not even she could replace my mom. And thats why i hate when me and my mom fight. But like tonight we had been disagreeing the last couple days and i needed my mom tonight so i finnaly talked to her tonight and she helped me with my problem and told me she was sorry for being so on edge lately. And we hugged and i gave her a kiss and were fine again because she is my mom. Its kind of wierd no matter how we fight when i sit down and talk to her im happy again... well as close to happy as i can be at this point but still its the point. Anyhow mom i just wanted to let u know i love you and thank you for being there for me. And thank u for makeing me strong enough to fight through this shit i go through day to day.

~how could this happen to me~

August,29th,2011
monday
Mood: depressed

 Dear,journal

   I dont understand how i got to this point its like everything is going wrong. Today was my 4 year old sisters first day of school. Her and my daughter were sopposed to start school together today if i would have gotten custady. And it broke me watching my mom take her to the bus stop and takeing all those pictures of her getting on. Something i will never be able to do thanks to my ex husband. What did i do so wrong to deserve this? sometimes i just wanna call it quits and just throw the towel in and give up.
   And the things im doing to cope just make me feel worse and hate myself more like im going to meet that old geezer tommarow to go on a shopping spree which isnt free i have to give him something in return i have to be his gf and everything which is really nasty at least im taken my sister with me so im hopen that will mean we cant do much. And i also told my ex fiance we could get back together and we have talked and i think i really do want to but im afraid of hurting him now god when will my life get any easier i know my dad would flip the fuck out about the hole sugar daddy thing thats for sure! I really dont know what to do and the hole thing is just makeing me sick to my stomach litteraly. God please help me i dont want a stupid shopping spree i just wanna get my kids back! I hate my life!!!!!!!

~its ok to cry~

August,28th,2011
sunday
Mood: confused

Dear,journal


Alot has happened in this past couple days i havnt written well ive been sick but thats not something big. But my ex fiancee wrote me on facebook. He left me a few months ago and it broke my heart i dint think i would ever hear or see him again so i tryed pushing him to the back of my mind and tryed to forget him i thought it had worked entell yesterday and he wrote me and it brought everything back the love i felt for him the heartache i felt when he left. I remember crying alot when he left he left me the same week i lost my kids. Like two days before i lost my kids he left so it was hell. And i want to cry because i dont know what to do hell i dont even know what i feel anymore. I could always talk to him he was there and he never seemed to judge me for it. I truly loved him even know he wasnt my type i loved his personality. I loved when he would tell me how beautiful he thought i was. How he would hold me when i was upset. he was just there and now months later when im finnaly copeing with loseing my kids and he had to come back and i dont know what to do now. If i was to be honest with myself i think i still love him. And that makes me want to cry even harder not because he wont be with me cause i think he is trying but because i dont know if i can do this right now i dont know if i can trust him not to leave again.

~Maybe this is my second chance~

August,25th,2011
thursday
mood:down, confused

Dear,journal

      When will life help me. I keep getting thrown curve balls and i dont know what will help all i want is to have my kids back thats all i desire. And here comes along today a rich old man on dateing site i was on saying he wanted to be my boyfriend mind u this guy is like in his 70's (GAG)  and in return he will spoil me by giveing me all ive ever wanted. A part of me is saying Yes do it! You could get your kids back! and another part of me is disgusted at the very thought not just cause he is old and wrinkly but because i really dont feel its right this guy is gonna love me and cherish me and treat me like a queen and im gonna use him to get my kids back. I really dont know what to do. My kids are everything to me and i would do just about anything to get them back but is it really right to hurt others in the process? I keep praying for god to help me get my kids back and mabe this is him helping but i honestly dont know i dont think god would send something like this i think its just a test. And if so i may fale because im honestly thinking about doing it no matter how wrong it is all i keep seeing is my kids back in my arms and getting to see my daughter off to school and tucking my kids in bed at night again knowiing i wont have to give them back a day later the though alone is very apealing. You can see where im comeing from right? Please someone comment because i am honestly stuck in a rut and im about to tell my heart fuck you and go with my gut. I dont know mabe this is my second chance the one ive been waiting for but its also the easy way out. :( im so confused.

~im ok today~

August,24th,2011
wendsday
mood: happy, nervouse

Dear, journal


im happy and thats not normal for me. I have like a light hearted feeling inside me and its kinda wierd i like it but it kinda scares me because its not me. Im not that happy person who smiles a real smile im broken and i hate myself and my life like last night i was thinking about my ex husband and him beating on me and i felt i deserved some of it i felt there could have been something i could do that could have fixed the relationship. And i hate to say that i miss him sometimes i dont miss him hitting me and stuff but i miss what we used to be before he became abusive i know that may seem kinda silly huh  missing an abusive man but i swore to myself never again will i put  up with that shit from a man maye thats why i cant keep a relationship i always seem to drive them off before they can hurt me so in the end they get hurt and not me. I wish i could find my knight in shineing armor but how can i when i chase him away. I dont think i will ever find him i just cant let them in to me there good for one thing sex and sometimes they aint even good for that (small penis and what not) cough (kevin) cough. But i dont know i want to be happy but i cant let my walls down to feel it.

~my sister~

i think i screwed up me and my sister fight alot and i hate that and i kinda let my anger get away from me and i feel hoppible afterwords like what i wrote about her today were sisters were gonna fight but i shouldnt have said what i did because honestly my sister is my best friend and she has helped me even when we fight and i hate when we fight so time to get us back together and be the best friends and sisters we should be just like coco rosie we were meant to be together not in the gay/incest way but ya  u know what i mean lol anyhow amber if yer reading this i love u and im sorry for going off on such a small thing.



love sierra

~what a nice birthday....not~

august,22nd,2011
monday
mood: depressed, aggravated, tired,tearfull

Dear,journal

      needless to say today is my b-day woopie fucking doo what a birthday half the peaple i care about totaly forgot and dint even wish me happy birthday and besides a few happy b-days here and there nobody treated me any different any nicer or anything and its really very depressing all i wanted for my b-day was to get to go out just me and my mom maybe my step-dad and the kids. But no i couldnt even get that kinda sad really. I mean i know the money is tight but they could have at least said well we will go out when we get paid or anything like that not this and now i want to cry its really sad and i hate it. I shouldnt be sad on my b-day and i know im being kinda selfish but we always do something on my b-day always even if its just getting a bite to eat and getting a cheap gift like last year i just got a movie and then on top of it all my sister is being a total crab ass no offence amber but yer acting like yer all that and if something isnt goig for u then who gives a shit and thats not right. And thats why im aggravated. i hate that when peaple act all stuck up like get off yer high fucking horse and take a look at reality the world does not revolve around u honey sorry to burst yer sassy little bubble and niether does mine i got more important things to worry about then u like my life my kids and what im gonna do with it.
          Anyhow enough with the heavy. the kids go back to there dads wendsday and im kinda glad but kinda deppressed at the same time i mean my baby is starting school this september 6th and i wont even be there to wish her luck and it makes me wanna cry really bad. I really hate my life all i can hope for to this life is a little bit of a happy ending but i doubt it. I cant wait to get away from all this shit and focus on me.

~just wanna be happy~

august,21st,2011
sunday
mood: ok

Dear,journal

     Im beginning to really take a look at life. There are so many things i can change to make my life so much better. And thinking about fixeing that stuff makes me happy im realizeing i cant just stand by the side and let my life pass me by i need to do what i feel is right not worrying about what others think i need to make myself happy i have spent to long trying to make everyone else happy and i realize im just makeing myself misserable and its not right. Maybe i will go to that hospital so i dont have to worry about the outside world for a while at least not entell im ready and i have worked on myself i think  thats what i really need to do. I talked to my dad yesterday not my step-dad my birth father i havent talked to him in over a month and he dint come back into my life entell i was 22. He came into it a couple times when i was a baby and when i was 14 but that never lasted long i always thought i wasnt good enough but im realizeing how do i expect others to look at me as a person who is worth something when i dont even look at myself that way when i feel no self worth when i hate myself how can i expect to be loved by others?
        Like i said befoire i had alot of thinking to do and ive been doing it alot im realizeing my life isnt what i want it to be i want to be a writer and a theripist and i want to make something of myself i want my kids to be proud of me. my friend kendra said something yesterday that really made me think she said what do you think your kids will think if they have to take care of u because u are to depressed to do it yourself? What do u think your kids would think and feel if u cut one time and ended up killing yourself? They wouldnt have a mother. She said "You say you care about your kids so much well how do you want them to look at you?" and it made me think i dont want them thinking i lost them cause i couldnt even take care of myself i want them to say "you know what my mom fought with everything she had to get us back, she made sure she made herself better so she could be there for us, i look up to my mom" thats what i want them to say about me and even though it will be hard at first i know this is what i need to do!

~can anybody see me~

august,20th,2011
saturday
mood: tearfull, out of controll



Dear, journal

      Today has not started off well im out of meds and really not in the mood for anything good thing my mom went to fill my meds but it wont get rid of my worrys about the future and what happened yesterday at the dr's. anyhow yesterday i went to my dr like i was sopposed to and she asked how i was doing and i told the truth i said "Im depressed how do u think im doing i just lost both my kids, Dureing the week i cry and sleep all the time i just dont see the point in getting up and trying" well first she changed my depression meds and im starting zoloft today 100mg and then she said she thinks i would be better in the adult residential program mind u oaklawn is a mental hospital so wouldnt that be like putting me in the state hospital my mom said its one step up from the regular mental hospital and one step down from the state hospital. I dont know what to think i may not be able to get my kids while im there but i may be able to idk she said she would check into it for me. If so i may go for it i mean i would have to go to groups everyday and i would have rules and i dont know if im aloud aloud to go out or anything i guese ill find out me and my mom have an apointment september 9th. with the sychietrist to set everything up and talk about it all.im just so afraid everyone is gonna forget me when i go in there im afraid there gonna say good ridins she is gone. I know i have caused so many peaple hell and they want me to be there 1-2 years and in that time im afraid my mom will move to tennesee and everyone will forget about me. :( i really dont know what to do anymore im so afraid!

~a little bit stronger~

August,19th,2011
friday
mood: ok



Dear,journal

     Im doing ok today im looking forward to it at least its the weekend so i get to see my kids and i have a dr apt at 2 with the schyco theripist. im trying to be happy and its not completelyy working but im ok right now i dont feel like ending it im just looking forward to seeing my kids today not so much seeing the dr thank god i only see her every few months its not that she's a bad dr she really isnt its just im afraid to talk about how i feel its kinda scary like its not real enless i say it like i havent seen her since i lost my kids and im afraid to talk about it. I still cant face it and if i talk about it it will just make me face reality and i really dont want to do that i like liveing in fantacy like writing storys reading books like house of night and twilight and reading twilight fanfiction it helps me escape but i know that in the long run this probably isnt gonna help me at all and i should start looking to the future but i cant right now i just cant im not ready and i dont wanna go back to the mental hospital like i did last month. Cause im ok right now though and i would like to keep it that way. My family helps me and i feel like a kid again just needing to sit in my mothers arms and have her hold me stroke my hair and tell me "it will be ok sissy" call me crazy but thats what i need. I need my mommy.
           I do think its time i let go of the past though and stop letting my ex make me misserable its time to forget him.each day i will get a little bit stronger not just from the abusive ex but also for the fact i lost my kids.

~depression is desasterouse~

Aug,18th,2011
thursday
mood: depressed


Dear,journal


           I have officiolly ran out of things to do. I cant stand not haveing my kids its killing me. The judge gave them to a deadbeat father who pawns them off on his parents just because i have some mental illnesses it isnt right. I talked to some peaple and they say i have to fix me before a judge would even think about giveing my kids back. How do you fix bipoler? and multiple personality disorder? That will take years so are they telling me im not gonna get my kids back for years? If ever? That thoughts ran through my mind so many times i dont know what to think anymore. My kids (alexia age 3) and  (tyler age 1) are my life they are all i have ever lived for since i had them. I quit school i dropped all my friends because thats what my ex husband wanted and now that he is gone (thank god) and they are gone i really dont know what to do with my life im so confused and i dont know where to turn i cant just go back to high school and pick up where i left off im 22 years old im devorced what high school would take me and i cant afford the g.e.d.
         Its things and days like these that just make me want to cry ive cleaned my house ive tryed playing sims getting online on facebook and shit ive been doing that everyday since i lost my kids at the end of june and its getting old. My house is clean, sims has gotten old and theres really notheinmg to do online i have exhousted all my options. It scares me because if im alone and have notheing to do i know itll make me more depressed and ill start crying and start thinking about stuff i really shouldnt like death. I just really dont know what to do all i can do is lay in bed wait for my weekend with the kids and just hope and pray for a brighter tommarow. A brighter tommarow that never seems to come the more days go on the more hopeless i become the more depressed i become. What do i do with this life when my purpose has been taken from me and im going day by day thinking one day less i have to live. Im depressed and i know it and ive told my docters and they just put me on depression meds that make me more depressed then i was in the first place i dont think anything will help.


Crying silent

The tears fall as i sit against the wall
how is it i have lost it all
everything with any meaning
has been taken from me
like it was never there to begin with
what have i done to make the world hate
me so much
what crime have i commited to make me lose
my childrens touch
dieing inside with every little tear
everything has came true that i have once feared
no pride left within me no hope to go on
without my children how can they
expect me to go on.
you see me smile can u truly see me
or are u just seeing what i want
myself to be
inside myself the depression is tearing at
me
telling me now i will never again be

happy.