August,24th,2011
wendsday
mood: happy, nervouse
Dear, journal
im happy and thats not normal for me. I have like a light hearted feeling inside me and its kinda wierd i like it but it kinda scares me because its not me. Im not that happy person who smiles a real smile im broken and i hate myself and my life like last night i was thinking about my ex husband and him beating on me and i felt i deserved some of it i felt there could have been something i could do that could have fixed the relationship. And i hate to say that i miss him sometimes i dont miss him hitting me and stuff but i miss what we used to be before he became abusive i know that may seem kinda silly huh missing an abusive man but i swore to myself never again will i put up with that shit from a man maye thats why i cant keep a relationship i always seem to drive them off before they can hurt me so in the end they get hurt and not me. I wish i could find my knight in shineing armor but how can i when i chase him away. I dont think i will ever find him i just cant let them in to me there good for one thing sex and sometimes they aint even good for that (small penis and what not) cough (kevin) cough. But i dont know i want to be happy but i cant let my walls down to feel it.
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