~a little bit stronger~

August,19th,2011
friday
mood: ok



Dear,journal

     Im doing ok today im looking forward to it at least its the weekend so i get to see my kids and i have a dr apt at 2 with the schyco theripist. im trying to be happy and its not completelyy working but im ok right now i dont feel like ending it im just looking forward to seeing my kids today not so much seeing the dr thank god i only see her every few months its not that she's a bad dr she really isnt its just im afraid to talk about how i feel its kinda scary like its not real enless i say it like i havent seen her since i lost my kids and im afraid to talk about it. I still cant face it and if i talk about it it will just make me face reality and i really dont want to do that i like liveing in fantacy like writing storys reading books like house of night and twilight and reading twilight fanfiction it helps me escape but i know that in the long run this probably isnt gonna help me at all and i should start looking to the future but i cant right now i just cant im not ready and i dont wanna go back to the mental hospital like i did last month. Cause im ok right now though and i would like to keep it that way. My family helps me and i feel like a kid again just needing to sit in my mothers arms and have her hold me stroke my hair and tell me "it will be ok sissy" call me crazy but thats what i need. I need my mommy.
           I do think its time i let go of the past though and stop letting my ex make me misserable its time to forget him.each day i will get a little bit stronger not just from the abusive ex but also for the fact i lost my kids.