~just wanna be happy~

august,21st,2011
sunday
mood: ok

Dear,journal

     Im beginning to really take a look at life. There are so many things i can change to make my life so much better. And thinking about fixeing that stuff makes me happy im realizeing i cant just stand by the side and let my life pass me by i need to do what i feel is right not worrying about what others think i need to make myself happy i have spent to long trying to make everyone else happy and i realize im just makeing myself misserable and its not right. Maybe i will go to that hospital so i dont have to worry about the outside world for a while at least not entell im ready and i have worked on myself i think  thats what i really need to do. I talked to my dad yesterday not my step-dad my birth father i havent talked to him in over a month and he dint come back into my life entell i was 22. He came into it a couple times when i was a baby and when i was 14 but that never lasted long i always thought i wasnt good enough but im realizeing how do i expect others to look at me as a person who is worth something when i dont even look at myself that way when i feel no self worth when i hate myself how can i expect to be loved by others?
        Like i said befoire i had alot of thinking to do and ive been doing it alot im realizeing my life isnt what i want it to be i want to be a writer and a theripist and i want to make something of myself i want my kids to be proud of me. my friend kendra said something yesterday that really made me think she said what do you think your kids will think if they have to take care of u because u are to depressed to do it yourself? What do u think your kids would think and feel if u cut one time and ended up killing yourself? They wouldnt have a mother. She said "You say you care about your kids so much well how do you want them to look at you?" and it made me think i dont want them thinking i lost them cause i couldnt even take care of myself i want them to say "you know what my mom fought with everything she had to get us back, she made sure she made herself better so she could be there for us, i look up to my mom" thats what i want them to say about me and even though it will be hard at first i know this is what i need to do!