thursday
mood: depressed
Dear,journal
I have officiolly ran out of things to do. I cant stand not haveing my kids its killing me. The judge gave them to a deadbeat father who pawns them off on his parents just because i have some mental illnesses it isnt right. I talked to some peaple and they say i have to fix me before a judge would even think about giveing my kids back. How do you fix bipoler? and multiple personality disorder? That will take years so are they telling me im not gonna get my kids back for years? If ever? That thoughts ran through my mind so many times i dont know what to think anymore. My kids (alexia age 3) and (tyler age 1) are my life they are all i have ever lived for since i had them. I quit school i dropped all my friends because thats what my ex husband wanted and now that he is gone (thank god) and they are gone i really dont know what to do with my life im so confused and i dont know where to turn i cant just go back to high school and pick up where i left off im 22 years old im devorced what high school would take me and i cant afford the g.e.d.
Its things and days like these that just make me want to cry ive cleaned my house ive tryed playing sims getting online on facebook and shit ive been doing that everyday since i lost my kids at the end of june and its getting old. My house is clean, sims has gotten old and theres really notheinmg to do online i have exhousted all my options. It scares me because if im alone and have notheing to do i know itll make me more depressed and ill start crying and start thinking about stuff i really shouldnt like death. I just really dont know what to do all i can do is lay in bed wait for my weekend with the kids and just hope and pray for a brighter tommarow. A brighter tommarow that never seems to come the more days go on the more hopeless i become the more depressed i become. What do i do with this life when my purpose has been taken from me and im going day by day thinking one day less i have to live. Im depressed and i know it and ive told my docters and they just put me on depression meds that make me more depressed then i was in the first place i dont think anything will help.
Crying silent
The tears fall as i sit against the wall
how is it i have lost it all
everything with any meaning
has been taken from me
like it was never there to begin with
what have i done to make the world hate
me so much
what crime have i commited to make me lose
my childrens touch
dieing inside with every little tear
everything has came true that i have once feared
no pride left within me no hope to go on
without my children how can they
expect me to go on.
you see me smile can u truly see me
or are u just seeing what i want
myself to be
inside myself the depression is tearing at
me
telling me now i will never again be
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