~sometimes all u can do is hope someone hears~

Tuesday
novemeber,29th,2011
Mood: confused, scared, lonely

Dear, journal

     Its been a while since i wrote in here and i forgot how much it helped entell i just went and read all my earlier entrys. I cryed to my own writeing which is bad but i could see how much i opened up there that i never really have to a person. kinda glad nobody can read this journal without the link. I dont know if i could really say im doing better but im trying i have my ups and my downs and God has really been a big part in my life lately. I go to church every sunday and wendsday so it helps it makes it so im not alone. I also have been doing this counsling thing at the church every sunday night. Paster Janet set it up at the church its called supernatural sunday u can do a bunch of different things like biblical counsling, dream interpretation and other stuff thats really cool. Ive been praying though that i can truly open up to these peaple. Ya i have told them about some of my past some of the bad things i have done but not so much the things that made me the way i am today. The way even at church i have a hard time being around men without flinching. (i swear i am never gonna find a good man) i did meet this guy Tyson we have been dateing for about the past month and i havnt really told anyone about him. He reminds me alot of my ex husband with the roughness and such but im used to it. Its normal for me. U know whats wierd and kinda laughable is i flinch when a guy tries to give me a hug or lay thier hands on me to pray but i dont when they hit me. God ok im just gonna shut up about that cause even i think i sound like a total moron there.
        Anyhow i still havnt gotten my kids back and its still hard it hasnt seemed to get any easier expeciolly with holiday season here i dint even get to call my kids on thanksgiveing wich isnt fair i should have had them on thanksgiveing because he had them every single holiday last year. UGH! What if he jipps me out of chrictmas to? I honestly dont think i can handle another Christmas without seeing my little angels faces. and that just makes nobody want me around because im all mopey and depressed and ruin thier holiday spirit.. Thats why i like my moms friend rose in a way like we went there for thanksgiveing and of course i was depressed i mean it wasnt the 2nd year in a row i dint get my kids she noticed and she offered me some tequila to loosen me up and her husband kept offereing me long island ice teas (those are yummy). I guese thats a bad thing to though when u have to resort to getting drunk on the holidays just so u dont bring others down. on the up side i am a funny drunk lol. i know cause my mom likes to vidio tape me when im drunk its kinda embarressing. Anyhow im out for now.  just wish life would get better. But i am thankfull for what i do have i just wish sometimes God would take me home.  I guese in a way thats why i drink and smoke i guese im hopeing someday ill have to much and i wont have to wake up to another morning without my kids. :(


p.s. Me and ian broke up again to if u dint notice