December,4,2011
sunday
Mood:Lost, Faithful
Dear,Journal
Today was ok i dint cry as much as usual i went to church this morning with the kids and just had a good time with them even knowing it would tear me apart again when i had to take them back to thier dads. This not haveing custady thing it really sucks. All i ask for for christmas is my kids back thats all i want. anyhow went to church this morning and had fun then took the kids grocery shopping with me which was fun i havnt been able to do that in a long time since the 4th is my shopping day and i dont usually have the kids cause its not usually a weekend. Anyhow it was nice to spoil them a little and have them help me pick out lunch stuff for the weekends. Then we went to the nabors son keegens birthday party and the kids had fun its so nice to watch them laugh and have fun. But time sped by and before i knew it it was time to take the kids back to thier fathers :'-( so i did and then had my step-dad drop me off at church for counseling. I think we had a pretty good session except i had to sighn a release form for them to get my info from oaklawn. I'm so afraid i dont want them knowing the real me but i also have to realize that they are my family. And they will be here for me. But i cant help listening to that little part of me that says they will run away just like everyone does when they find out how crazy u are. Thier gonna know everything from the abuse i went through as a kid to the voices i used to hear. How can they not be scared of that? not to mention the times ive felt suicidal and homicidal! God what have i done? Well i guese only time will tell. Anyhow the vid up top i found on youtube and i just see myself in this kid and it made me cry but i had to share it anyhow gotta be up at 4:30am for work tommarow so im heading to bed night all and God bless.
P.s ill keep writeing
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