December,4,2011
sunday
Mood:Lost, Faithful
Dear,Journal
Today was ok i dint cry as much as usual i went to church this morning with the kids and just had a good time with them even knowing it would tear me apart again when i had to take them back to thier dads. This not haveing custady thing it really sucks. All i ask for for christmas is my kids back thats all i want. anyhow went to church this morning and had fun then took the kids grocery shopping with me which was fun i havnt been able to do that in a long time since the 4th is my shopping day and i dont usually have the kids cause its not usually a weekend. Anyhow it was nice to spoil them a little and have them help me pick out lunch stuff for the weekends. Then we went to the nabors son keegens birthday party and the kids had fun its so nice to watch them laugh and have fun. But time sped by and before i knew it it was time to take the kids back to thier fathers :'-( so i did and then had my step-dad drop me off at church for counseling. I think we had a pretty good session except i had to sighn a release form for them to get my info from oaklawn. I'm so afraid i dont want them knowing the real me but i also have to realize that they are my family. And they will be here for me. But i cant help listening to that little part of me that says they will run away just like everyone does when they find out how crazy u are. Thier gonna know everything from the abuse i went through as a kid to the voices i used to hear. How can they not be scared of that? not to mention the times ive felt suicidal and homicidal! God what have i done? Well i guese only time will tell. Anyhow the vid up top i found on youtube and i just see myself in this kid and it made me cry but i had to share it anyhow gotta be up at 4:30am for work tommarow so im heading to bed night all and God bless.
P.s ill keep writeing
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
~I'm so sorry i cant be fucking perfect for u!~
December,2nd,2011
Friday
Mood: not good enough
Dear,journal
I had a bad morning this morning i woke up in a crabby mood. But then i went and checked my mail and found two letters one from the salvation army and another from Eber+Wein publishing. The first one said that my family had been adopted for christmas. Which means that we will have a better christmas then ever. So i got excited and ran to my moms and showed her she was happy for me. And we were talking about going up and picking up our presents and stuff and then i ran home and opened the 2nd one it said out of thousands they only picked 15 peaple to be in a book called: Best poets of 2011. i had ,made the finals from the last poetry contest i had entered but i never thought i was this good.
Well that happy feeling dint last long now i just want to cry. My step-dad woke up a little bit ago and i told him about it. and he pretty much said it was all trash :'-( he told me the poetry thing was a bunch of B.S and that im wasting my money. And that nobody else will see the book but me. Its doesnt make me an author. So im done i give up im not writeing any more whats the point for years i have tried to make my parents happy and i never do anything right so i give up. Screw my writeing i probably aint even any good he is probably right its probably bogus. And who cares about stupid christmas presents?! Who cares about anything anymore?!
Friday
Mood: not good enough
Dear,journal
I had a bad morning this morning i woke up in a crabby mood. But then i went and checked my mail and found two letters one from the salvation army and another from Eber+Wein publishing. The first one said that my family had been adopted for christmas. Which means that we will have a better christmas then ever. So i got excited and ran to my moms and showed her she was happy for me. And we were talking about going up and picking up our presents and stuff and then i ran home and opened the 2nd one it said out of thousands they only picked 15 peaple to be in a book called: Best poets of 2011. i had ,made the finals from the last poetry contest i had entered but i never thought i was this good.
Well that happy feeling dint last long now i just want to cry. My step-dad woke up a little bit ago and i told him about it. and he pretty much said it was all trash :'-( he told me the poetry thing was a bunch of B.S and that im wasting my money. And that nobody else will see the book but me. Its doesnt make me an author. So im done i give up im not writeing any more whats the point for years i have tried to make my parents happy and i never do anything right so i give up. Screw my writeing i probably aint even any good he is probably right its probably bogus. And who cares about stupid christmas presents?! Who cares about anything anymore?!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
~Is it me?~
December,1st,2011
thurseday
Mood: Scared, confused
Dear,journal
I went to church yesterday morning had a really good time and then slept most of the day i havnt been sleeping to well lately. Anyhow i went to church last night and i took tyson with me. He asked me out and u know how i am with the word no. so ya im stuck with him entell he breaks up with me. Anyhow like i was saying i went to church with him last night trying to make him keep up with me so i could say hi to my friends and i could have sworn i got some dirty looks from a few peaple who will remain nameless. but what did i do? were they really looking at me? i think so cause when i tryed to talk to them after service they pretty much avoided me. God i screw up everything!!! I dont want to lose my church family they are everything to me besides God and my kids. Is it just me? is there something about me that just naturally pisses peaple off? I dont understand how God can let me be here when ii ruin everything. Why cant he just answer my prayers and take me in my sleep? Im useless anyhow! What the Hell's the point?! Ugh!!! well headed off to another crappy day without my kids not to mention no church which might be a good thing after last night who knows im probably fricken over reacting. But whatever bye.
thurseday
Mood: Scared, confused
Dear,journal
I went to church yesterday morning had a really good time and then slept most of the day i havnt been sleeping to well lately. Anyhow i went to church last night and i took tyson with me. He asked me out and u know how i am with the word no. so ya im stuck with him entell he breaks up with me. Anyhow like i was saying i went to church with him last night trying to make him keep up with me so i could say hi to my friends and i could have sworn i got some dirty looks from a few peaple who will remain nameless. but what did i do? were they really looking at me? i think so cause when i tryed to talk to them after service they pretty much avoided me. God i screw up everything!!! I dont want to lose my church family they are everything to me besides God and my kids. Is it just me? is there something about me that just naturally pisses peaple off? I dont understand how God can let me be here when ii ruin everything. Why cant he just answer my prayers and take me in my sleep? Im useless anyhow! What the Hell's the point?! Ugh!!! well headed off to another crappy day without my kids not to mention no church which might be a good thing after last night who knows im probably fricken over reacting. But whatever bye.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
~sometimes all u can do is hope someone hears~
Tuesday
novemeber,29th,2011
Mood: confused, scared, lonely
Dear, journal
Its been a while since i wrote in here and i forgot how much it helped entell i just went and read all my earlier entrys. I cryed to my own writeing which is bad but i could see how much i opened up there that i never really have to a person. kinda glad nobody can read this journal without the link. I dont know if i could really say im doing better but im trying i have my ups and my downs and God has really been a big part in my life lately. I go to church every sunday and wendsday so it helps it makes it so im not alone. I also have been doing this counsling thing at the church every sunday night. Paster Janet set it up at the church its called supernatural sunday u can do a bunch of different things like biblical counsling, dream interpretation and other stuff thats really cool. Ive been praying though that i can truly open up to these peaple. Ya i have told them about some of my past some of the bad things i have done but not so much the things that made me the way i am today. The way even at church i have a hard time being around men without flinching. (i swear i am never gonna find a good man) i did meet this guy Tyson we have been dateing for about the past month and i havnt really told anyone about him. He reminds me alot of my ex husband with the roughness and such but im used to it. Its normal for me. U know whats wierd and kinda laughable is i flinch when a guy tries to give me a hug or lay thier hands on me to pray but i dont when they hit me. God ok im just gonna shut up about that cause even i think i sound like a total moron there.
Anyhow i still havnt gotten my kids back and its still hard it hasnt seemed to get any easier expeciolly with holiday season here i dint even get to call my kids on thanksgiveing wich isnt fair i should have had them on thanksgiveing because he had them every single holiday last year. UGH! What if he jipps me out of chrictmas to? I honestly dont think i can handle another Christmas without seeing my little angels faces. and that just makes nobody want me around because im all mopey and depressed and ruin thier holiday spirit.. Thats why i like my moms friend rose in a way like we went there for thanksgiveing and of course i was depressed i mean it wasnt the 2nd year in a row i dint get my kids she noticed and she offered me some tequila to loosen me up and her husband kept offereing me long island ice teas (those are yummy). I guese thats a bad thing to though when u have to resort to getting drunk on the holidays just so u dont bring others down. on the up side i am a funny drunk lol. i know cause my mom likes to vidio tape me when im drunk its kinda embarressing. Anyhow im out for now. just wish life would get better. But i am thankfull for what i do have i just wish sometimes God would take me home. I guese in a way thats why i drink and smoke i guese im hopeing someday ill have to much and i wont have to wake up to another morning without my kids. :(
p.s. Me and ian broke up again to if u dint notice
novemeber,29th,2011
Mood: confused, scared, lonely
Dear, journal
Its been a while since i wrote in here and i forgot how much it helped entell i just went and read all my earlier entrys. I cryed to my own writeing which is bad but i could see how much i opened up there that i never really have to a person. kinda glad nobody can read this journal without the link. I dont know if i could really say im doing better but im trying i have my ups and my downs and God has really been a big part in my life lately. I go to church every sunday and wendsday so it helps it makes it so im not alone. I also have been doing this counsling thing at the church every sunday night. Paster Janet set it up at the church its called supernatural sunday u can do a bunch of different things like biblical counsling, dream interpretation and other stuff thats really cool. Ive been praying though that i can truly open up to these peaple. Ya i have told them about some of my past some of the bad things i have done but not so much the things that made me the way i am today. The way even at church i have a hard time being around men without flinching. (i swear i am never gonna find a good man) i did meet this guy Tyson we have been dateing for about the past month and i havnt really told anyone about him. He reminds me alot of my ex husband with the roughness and such but im used to it. Its normal for me. U know whats wierd and kinda laughable is i flinch when a guy tries to give me a hug or lay thier hands on me to pray but i dont when they hit me. God ok im just gonna shut up about that cause even i think i sound like a total moron there.
Anyhow i still havnt gotten my kids back and its still hard it hasnt seemed to get any easier expeciolly with holiday season here i dint even get to call my kids on thanksgiveing wich isnt fair i should have had them on thanksgiveing because he had them every single holiday last year. UGH! What if he jipps me out of chrictmas to? I honestly dont think i can handle another Christmas without seeing my little angels faces. and that just makes nobody want me around because im all mopey and depressed and ruin thier holiday spirit.. Thats why i like my moms friend rose in a way like we went there for thanksgiveing and of course i was depressed i mean it wasnt the 2nd year in a row i dint get my kids she noticed and she offered me some tequila to loosen me up and her husband kept offereing me long island ice teas (those are yummy). I guese thats a bad thing to though when u have to resort to getting drunk on the holidays just so u dont bring others down. on the up side i am a funny drunk lol. i know cause my mom likes to vidio tape me when im drunk its kinda embarressing. Anyhow im out for now. just wish life would get better. But i am thankfull for what i do have i just wish sometimes God would take me home. I guese in a way thats why i drink and smoke i guese im hopeing someday ill have to much and i wont have to wake up to another morning without my kids. :(
p.s. Me and ian broke up again to if u dint notice
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
~How do i go on?~
September,6th,2011
tuesday
Mood: depressed
Dear,journal
I just wanna cry. I want to end all this suffering and die. I really dont know what to do every time i think im ok i go back down further and i cant pull myself back up anymore. I just wish for once when i say that im fine someone will look at me and say "No your not! Whats wrong?" and never give up entell i tell the truth. But they wont so to everyone im the girl thats just crazy and abnormal nothing else wrong with that. Nobody sees the girl dieing emotionally right in front of there eyes. I just want to scream "somebody see me! See the real me!" but i cant i cant get anymore wierd looks. Everyones already leary of me thinking im gonna snap and kill someone or something when really they have nothing to worry about cause the only person i truly want dead is me. I know thats wrong to say but its how i feel.
my tooth hurts my stomach aches i feel sick everyday and i know most that is because of the depression. Depression truly does hurt not just emotionally but also physsically i dont think anyone realizes that entell they go through it. I cant stand seeing my nutty theripist i told my caseworker im not seeing her anymore and so far they havnt assighned me to a new one its no wonder ive been through 3 in the last 6 months and they probably think im beyond help thats probably why they want to put me away so nobody has to worry about me. I really dont know what to do i told my paster what was wrong with me what i was "diagnosed" with and just the look its the same look everyone gives me i couldnt tell her how i truly felt. With just what i told her i felt like i was burdening her like i do everyone else. Why cant this be easy? Why cant i find on person that it wouldnt burden to hear my troubles? i dont know i just want to go home and cry. Goodbye.
tuesday
Mood: depressed
Dear,journal
I just wanna cry. I want to end all this suffering and die. I really dont know what to do every time i think im ok i go back down further and i cant pull myself back up anymore. I just wish for once when i say that im fine someone will look at me and say "No your not! Whats wrong?" and never give up entell i tell the truth. But they wont so to everyone im the girl thats just crazy and abnormal nothing else wrong with that. Nobody sees the girl dieing emotionally right in front of there eyes. I just want to scream "somebody see me! See the real me!" but i cant i cant get anymore wierd looks. Everyones already leary of me thinking im gonna snap and kill someone or something when really they have nothing to worry about cause the only person i truly want dead is me. I know thats wrong to say but its how i feel.
my tooth hurts my stomach aches i feel sick everyday and i know most that is because of the depression. Depression truly does hurt not just emotionally but also physsically i dont think anyone realizes that entell they go through it. I cant stand seeing my nutty theripist i told my caseworker im not seeing her anymore and so far they havnt assighned me to a new one its no wonder ive been through 3 in the last 6 months and they probably think im beyond help thats probably why they want to put me away so nobody has to worry about me. I really dont know what to do i told my paster what was wrong with me what i was "diagnosed" with and just the look its the same look everyone gives me i couldnt tell her how i truly felt. With just what i told her i felt like i was burdening her like i do everyone else. Why cant this be easy? Why cant i find on person that it wouldnt burden to hear my troubles? i dont know i just want to go home and cry. Goodbye.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
~Life isnt perfect~
September,1st,2011 (my son tylers birthday)
thursday
Mood: sick
Dear,journal
I feel like throwing up right now have all morning idk why but im really sick to my stomach. Wishing in a way i had the kids cause its my son tylers birthday today he is 2 years old. But in a way im glad i dont cause i feel really crappy. I just hope he knows that im sending my love to him today. Happy birthday baby. :'( i just want to hold him and be able to say that but i know i cant and it makes these days without them even worse.
thursday
Mood: sick
Dear,journal
I feel like throwing up right now have all morning idk why but im really sick to my stomach. Wishing in a way i had the kids cause its my son tylers birthday today he is 2 years old. But in a way im glad i dont cause i feel really crappy. I just hope he knows that im sending my love to him today. Happy birthday baby. :'( i just want to hold him and be able to say that but i know i cant and it makes these days without them even worse.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
~im a fighter because of her~
August,30th,2011
Tuesday
Mood: im ok
Dear,journal
I thought today would be like really hard cause the kids went back and i was sopposed to meet that sigusting old geezer. But its not ok ya the kids did go back and thats kinda depressing and i feel like my step dad is always on my case and my sister said she felt the same way so i guese im not so alone. But it gives me time to plan my sons b-day party for saturday were gonna go to ryans and it makes me happy that even though i may not get to be there on his actual b-day that at least im setting aside a day for it and throwing him a little party. And as for the sugar daddy i dint even go meet him i kinda ditched him i just couldnt do it it was to gross.
But im still confused ive been still talking to my ex fiance ian and i guese were like back together he wants to start where we left off and i honestly dont know if i could do that but i do still love him and maybe thats enough to make this work i really dont know all i can do is try. Its good to be able to talk to my mom about this stuff even if she gets mad at me sometimes. But like tonight i told her that i did still love him and i can see my future with him and she said all i can do is try it if it doesnt work then at least i know i tryed right? And it felt good i dont get to sit down and talk to her very often and it felt good to be able to do so. I love my mom no matter how much we fight she is always the one i want there when i need someone to talk to she is always the one i want to hold me. Nobody can replace her. Nobody could even try. As much as i love my aunt and she is like another mother figure not even she could replace my mom. And thats why i hate when me and my mom fight. But like tonight we had been disagreeing the last couple days and i needed my mom tonight so i finnaly talked to her tonight and she helped me with my problem and told me she was sorry for being so on edge lately. And we hugged and i gave her a kiss and were fine again because she is my mom. Its kind of wierd no matter how we fight when i sit down and talk to her im happy again... well as close to happy as i can be at this point but still its the point. Anyhow mom i just wanted to let u know i love you and thank you for being there for me. And thank u for makeing me strong enough to fight through this shit i go through day to day.
Tuesday
Mood: im ok
Dear,journal
I thought today would be like really hard cause the kids went back and i was sopposed to meet that sigusting old geezer. But its not ok ya the kids did go back and thats kinda depressing and i feel like my step dad is always on my case and my sister said she felt the same way so i guese im not so alone. But it gives me time to plan my sons b-day party for saturday were gonna go to ryans and it makes me happy that even though i may not get to be there on his actual b-day that at least im setting aside a day for it and throwing him a little party. And as for the sugar daddy i dint even go meet him i kinda ditched him i just couldnt do it it was to gross.
But im still confused ive been still talking to my ex fiance ian and i guese were like back together he wants to start where we left off and i honestly dont know if i could do that but i do still love him and maybe thats enough to make this work i really dont know all i can do is try. Its good to be able to talk to my mom about this stuff even if she gets mad at me sometimes. But like tonight i told her that i did still love him and i can see my future with him and she said all i can do is try it if it doesnt work then at least i know i tryed right? And it felt good i dont get to sit down and talk to her very often and it felt good to be able to do so. I love my mom no matter how much we fight she is always the one i want there when i need someone to talk to she is always the one i want to hold me. Nobody can replace her. Nobody could even try. As much as i love my aunt and she is like another mother figure not even she could replace my mom. And thats why i hate when me and my mom fight. But like tonight we had been disagreeing the last couple days and i needed my mom tonight so i finnaly talked to her tonight and she helped me with my problem and told me she was sorry for being so on edge lately. And we hugged and i gave her a kiss and were fine again because she is my mom. Its kind of wierd no matter how we fight when i sit down and talk to her im happy again... well as close to happy as i can be at this point but still its the point. Anyhow mom i just wanted to let u know i love you and thank you for being there for me. And thank u for makeing me strong enough to fight through this shit i go through day to day.
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