December,4,2011
sunday
Mood:Lost, Faithful
Dear,Journal
Today was ok i dint cry as much as usual i went to church this morning with the kids and just had a good time with them even knowing it would tear me apart again when i had to take them back to thier dads. This not haveing custady thing it really sucks. All i ask for for christmas is my kids back thats all i want. anyhow went to church this morning and had fun then took the kids grocery shopping with me which was fun i havnt been able to do that in a long time since the 4th is my shopping day and i dont usually have the kids cause its not usually a weekend. Anyhow it was nice to spoil them a little and have them help me pick out lunch stuff for the weekends. Then we went to the nabors son keegens birthday party and the kids had fun its so nice to watch them laugh and have fun. But time sped by and before i knew it it was time to take the kids back to thier fathers :'-( so i did and then had my step-dad drop me off at church for counseling. I think we had a pretty good session except i had to sighn a release form for them to get my info from oaklawn. I'm so afraid i dont want them knowing the real me but i also have to realize that they are my family. And they will be here for me. But i cant help listening to that little part of me that says they will run away just like everyone does when they find out how crazy u are. Thier gonna know everything from the abuse i went through as a kid to the voices i used to hear. How can they not be scared of that? not to mention the times ive felt suicidal and homicidal! God what have i done? Well i guese only time will tell. Anyhow the vid up top i found on youtube and i just see myself in this kid and it made me cry but i had to share it anyhow gotta be up at 4:30am for work tommarow so im heading to bed night all and God bless.
P.s ill keep writeing
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
~I'm so sorry i cant be fucking perfect for u!~
December,2nd,2011
Friday
Mood: not good enough
Dear,journal
I had a bad morning this morning i woke up in a crabby mood. But then i went and checked my mail and found two letters one from the salvation army and another from Eber+Wein publishing. The first one said that my family had been adopted for christmas. Which means that we will have a better christmas then ever. So i got excited and ran to my moms and showed her she was happy for me. And we were talking about going up and picking up our presents and stuff and then i ran home and opened the 2nd one it said out of thousands they only picked 15 peaple to be in a book called: Best poets of 2011. i had ,made the finals from the last poetry contest i had entered but i never thought i was this good.
Well that happy feeling dint last long now i just want to cry. My step-dad woke up a little bit ago and i told him about it. and he pretty much said it was all trash :'-( he told me the poetry thing was a bunch of B.S and that im wasting my money. And that nobody else will see the book but me. Its doesnt make me an author. So im done i give up im not writeing any more whats the point for years i have tried to make my parents happy and i never do anything right so i give up. Screw my writeing i probably aint even any good he is probably right its probably bogus. And who cares about stupid christmas presents?! Who cares about anything anymore?!
Friday
Mood: not good enough
Dear,journal
I had a bad morning this morning i woke up in a crabby mood. But then i went and checked my mail and found two letters one from the salvation army and another from Eber+Wein publishing. The first one said that my family had been adopted for christmas. Which means that we will have a better christmas then ever. So i got excited and ran to my moms and showed her she was happy for me. And we were talking about going up and picking up our presents and stuff and then i ran home and opened the 2nd one it said out of thousands they only picked 15 peaple to be in a book called: Best poets of 2011. i had ,made the finals from the last poetry contest i had entered but i never thought i was this good.
Well that happy feeling dint last long now i just want to cry. My step-dad woke up a little bit ago and i told him about it. and he pretty much said it was all trash :'-( he told me the poetry thing was a bunch of B.S and that im wasting my money. And that nobody else will see the book but me. Its doesnt make me an author. So im done i give up im not writeing any more whats the point for years i have tried to make my parents happy and i never do anything right so i give up. Screw my writeing i probably aint even any good he is probably right its probably bogus. And who cares about stupid christmas presents?! Who cares about anything anymore?!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
~Is it me?~
December,1st,2011
thurseday
Mood: Scared, confused
Dear,journal
I went to church yesterday morning had a really good time and then slept most of the day i havnt been sleeping to well lately. Anyhow i went to church last night and i took tyson with me. He asked me out and u know how i am with the word no. so ya im stuck with him entell he breaks up with me. Anyhow like i was saying i went to church with him last night trying to make him keep up with me so i could say hi to my friends and i could have sworn i got some dirty looks from a few peaple who will remain nameless. but what did i do? were they really looking at me? i think so cause when i tryed to talk to them after service they pretty much avoided me. God i screw up everything!!! I dont want to lose my church family they are everything to me besides God and my kids. Is it just me? is there something about me that just naturally pisses peaple off? I dont understand how God can let me be here when ii ruin everything. Why cant he just answer my prayers and take me in my sleep? Im useless anyhow! What the Hell's the point?! Ugh!!! well headed off to another crappy day without my kids not to mention no church which might be a good thing after last night who knows im probably fricken over reacting. But whatever bye.
thurseday
Mood: Scared, confused
Dear,journal
I went to church yesterday morning had a really good time and then slept most of the day i havnt been sleeping to well lately. Anyhow i went to church last night and i took tyson with me. He asked me out and u know how i am with the word no. so ya im stuck with him entell he breaks up with me. Anyhow like i was saying i went to church with him last night trying to make him keep up with me so i could say hi to my friends and i could have sworn i got some dirty looks from a few peaple who will remain nameless. but what did i do? were they really looking at me? i think so cause when i tryed to talk to them after service they pretty much avoided me. God i screw up everything!!! I dont want to lose my church family they are everything to me besides God and my kids. Is it just me? is there something about me that just naturally pisses peaple off? I dont understand how God can let me be here when ii ruin everything. Why cant he just answer my prayers and take me in my sleep? Im useless anyhow! What the Hell's the point?! Ugh!!! well headed off to another crappy day without my kids not to mention no church which might be a good thing after last night who knows im probably fricken over reacting. But whatever bye.
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